*****Warning - this blog is very honest, maybe too honest. I might regret being so open for the whole world, but it feels good to get some things off my chest. Besides, I think that some of you may sometimes feel the same way. If it is too raw for you, I'm sorry.*******
Last night I couldn't sleep. Maybe it was the fuzz on the monitor. Maybe it was the snoring (No, it wasn't Josh. He doesn't snore - Praise God! It was the dogs.) I'm not really sure what it was, but after tossing and turning for awhile I started to have all these thoughts go through my head. They weren't fun thoughts. They were things like .......
- Am I good mom? I didn't even read a story to Alyse today! We didn't listen to any music either. Maybe I should play with her more. I really should get down on the floor and play with her instead of putting her in her swing, jumper, etc. Am I leaving her with my mom too much? Maybe I should have stayed home with her more today, or maybe I should have taken her with me. No, I don't want her to be sitting in a car seat all the time. Maybe ....... Lord, please help me be a better mom!
- Am I a good wife? Does Josh know how much that I love him? Does he know how much I respect him and how I am so proud of him? Do I love on him enough? Does he feel like I appreciate everything that he does for our family? I really should tell him all those things more often! Maybe I should cook for him more. Maybe I should write him little love notes like we use to in high school and college. Maybe ....... Lord, please help me to be a better wife!
- Why did I buy that today? I know that we don't have the money for that! (With the beginning of the school year came the end of my paychecks. So finances are going to be a lot tighter around here. Josh and I have been planning for this, and have put together a budget, but it is a little stressful. Don't worry, all our bills are paid and we aren't headed for welfare, but more money wouldn't hurt.) Am I being selfish? Lord, please help me to be happy with what I've got and help me be more aware of what I really need vs. what I want.
- Why am I so self-conscious? Why do I feel so fat and ugly? Why can't I stick to working out and eating right? Why don't I look as cute in clothes as other people. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it. Do people really like me? Why do I get so nervous and say stupid things? Did they notice? Did I sound like an idiot? Did anything I said make sense? Lord, help me to realize that you created me to be who I am and that you have a purpose for me.
- Why didn't I turn off the television and read my Bible today? Why am I not reading it right now instead of tossing and turning? Why do I have all these great devotional books that I just don't finish? I really do love you Lord! Please help me to take the time to get to know you more!
Those are just a few examples of the thoughts that were running through my head for hours last night. I really don't know why! I had a really good day yesterday! Then laying in bed at 2 o'clock in the morning, I was so depressed. Am I just being a girl? Maybe I'm letting Satan get at me. Maybe it's ........
Whatever it is, I have to get some sleep tonight!
i really loved this post. it's hard to be honest like this but it's really encouraging to know that we all struggle with the same doubts and insecurities...especially late at night, girl.
jess