The Original Because of Love

First - Yes, I realize that title sounds like an Ashlee Simpson song.

Second - This is a post that I actually wrote on Saturday. Many of you may have noticed on my Twitter or Facebook status that I had a rough day that day. Thank you so much for those of you who e-mailed and asked how I was. And a big thank you to my wonderful friend Amy for your phone call. (You really don't know how much that meant to me!). I am doing much better now, and I actually think that the events that happened may have been a good thing. I've heard that process = a payoff :)

3rd - I decided to post this instead of just leaving it as a draft because I really feel it is important to be honest with all of you. Most of my blog post are "See my beautiful little girl". "Look how great of a husband I have!". "I go to the best church EVER!", etc... Well, yes, all those things are true and I DO have a great life, but well... it isn't perfect. I have bad days. Things can be hard. I just want you to know that there are bad things mixed in with all the good things in my life.

I usually am a "See the glass half full" kind of girl. Well, today, my glass isn't half full or half empty. There is no water in it at all. The water is spilling all over my bed in a puddle of tears because my glass has been broken.

It has actually been broken for about 2 or 3 months, but I, trying to make everything look all nice and tidy, have been glueing, taping, and covering the cracks up.

Tonight, I can't do it anymore! The glass is broken and I just need to let go and stop trying to fix it.

When I look at all the pieces that I have tried to hold together, it is obvious that they were going to crumple eventually.

Here is the "Josh" piece. I LOVE this piece. It is a piece that God blessed me with and I treasure it. It is a HUGE piece. However, I often think that I rely on this piece too much. There is so much pressure on it that I am afraid I am causing it to crack sometimes.

Here is the "Alyse" piece. By far the most precious piece that I have. It is beautiful and brings me so much joy. But there is also this little part of it that makes me feel tired and frustrated sometimes. It makes me question myself and pray hard that I am doing an ok job as a mother.

Here is a very small piece - my self esteem. I think that this piece was bigger. Now it is this sad thing that questions my weight, my looks, my clothes, my house, my car, my friendships, my abilities, etc. It makes me feel like I am not quite good enough.

Here is my "family" piece. When I look at it, it is a nice piece. However, there is this dirt sprinkled on it that makes it not so pretty. It makes me not even want to look at parts of it. I sometimes just want to wipe off the dirt, but then I feel like it smears all over and just makes things even messier.

Here is my "friendship" piece. From a distance it looks great, but if you look closely you will see that all the parts are there, they are attached, but there are these big cracks that make things not perfectly connected. I have stuck so much glue in these cracks, but I really wish that I could find one section that fits just right.

Here is an ugly little green piece. I try to hide this piece, but sometimes it comes out. Its the little jealousy piece that wishes that I had this whole list of things. It makes me want to go here and do that. It makes me wonder why I wasn't included with them. I know that I should just get rid of this piece, but it always finds it's way back.

Here is my "Elevation" piece. Again, I LOVE this piece. I am so proud of it. I support it and feed it. (Ok, that was kind of funny!) I am with it heart and soul. But every once in awhile, on a dark day, there is this little glare. It makes me wonder if my piece is really appreciated and important. I know that my piece is special and that a lot of people would like the piece that I have, but that glare makes it hard to see sometimes.

Oh, here is that piece that shows up months later. You know, the one that you find after you thought the whole mess was cleaned up? The "Bo" piece. This piece shows up when I am sitting in bed all alone, or when I am driving down the road to my house, or when a stupid "Marley and Me" commercial comes on. It is a little sharp piece that brings a tear to my eye as I pick it up to throw away, again.

Here is the "stay at home" piece. Again, I realize that this piece is a blessing. I am so happy to have it, but sometimes it makes me feel lonely. Other people have bigger pieces to fill this part of their life. My piece has me home, in my pjs, and at times feeling like the world is going on around me and I am missing out on it.

Here is the "Diet and Exercise" piece. AHHHH! Why can't I fix this piece?! (Enough said!)

Here is a piece that stresses me. The "Money" piece. I have a love/hate relationship with this piece. I have found that I think this piece is bigger than what Josh say that it really is. That makes it hard to fit perfectly. I want it to fill up this big part, but the piece we have can't fill it all. I need to make that hole smaller and fill it with other things, but I just can't seem to find the solution.

Here is another important piece. The "God" piece. I love this piece too. It is a piece that has seemed to grow lately. However, I feel like this piece hasn't reached it's full place yet in my life. I need to give this piece more time and attention, but sometimes it slips through the cracks.

There are so many other random pieces that I could tell you about, but they are so scattered. They are laying there all over the place and most of them I am not sure what parts they were.

So now, what do I do with all of these pieces?

Well, I don't think that I could put them back together again. Plus, they weren't perfect in the first place. So, now I am just going to sweep them all together. Then I am going to pray and ask God to help me know what to do with them. I know he will do a much better job of making something out of all those pieces than I did.

It may take some time, but I am willing to be made over.